The Temptation That Is You

In the place where fire meets ice, I feel only you. Your pale skin plays such a lovely contrast, dancing along and casting quiet silhouettes while I close my eyes and imagine I am anybody else, just not myself. Summer rain has never felt so cold against the hairs that stand straight on the back of my neck, whenever your gaze comes my way. So much love in the spaces our intertwined bodies contain.

Is it a sin, you and me?

Should we both back away now or finish playing the game we started?

Have you seen the devil? Have you dreamt about dancing with him while all your sorrows are burned away in his fiery embrace?

Even with the sun shining down upon me, I can’t keep you warm. I have nothing to offer but the solace that is my steady breaths in pace with your shallow ones.

When an angel sins do you think they’re so ashamed that they cut off their own wings? Your clean, white feathers are slowly falling to the ground.

I am undeserving of all that you are but always, you and I attract like two magnets, we’re complete opposites.

The flowers I gave you were burnt and withering, I’m sorry I wouldn’t let you tell me you love me.

You’re crackling apart, you’ve been stepped all over – it was all too soon. I could drown in all that you contain and it would wither me down to less than even a spark. I’m a match to water and you’re a cold, lifeless body smoking her last cigarette. Soon, we’ll both be nothing at all.

No Love, Blinded

You left me with bloody knuckles and a burn in my throat. I knew I couldn’t punch or kick a hole through the walls that trapped you. I couldn’t break you free. But I still wouldn’t stop trying.

It was at the worst point in my life when it rained every day for two weeks straight. I wondered if it was because the earth knew that it had lost something so pure, something that made it more beautiful.

Without your soft eyes and gentle smile here to comfort me, I became inconsolable.  The amount of times I messed up with work and school were too many to count. I felt I was starting to let everyone down – and not just myself anymore.

The world was so void of colour; there was no vividness. Nothing was clear anymore. But I wasn’t sure if it ever had been, anyway.

You were supposed to be there when I graduated. You’d smile at me, give me a soft kiss on the cheek and somehow make the sun come out. But nobody came. You were like my family. My only family. And I always secretly hoped we’d be able to start our own one day. I wanted you and me to be the producers of something so much better than what I grew up with, than what my parents gave me.

But after all, I was the devil and you were an angel. A masochistic sort of love.

You knew everything I touched would be ruined. Any chance you had of living a normal, proper life was destroyed the second you allowed me to lay my eyes on you and your velvety skin.

I ignored it for awhile. Actually, I almost forgot the fact that I was only capable of destruction. The way you looked at me made me feel like I might have one day actually been allowed the chance to go to heaven.

I wondered, did the colour red even exist in the sky?

Bloodshed, anger and lust were meant for hell. Nothing that hovered above you could ever be anything bad.

So why did you let me kiss your soft lips on that day where the air smelled of smoke and your subtle vanilla perfume? Was it because you wanted to see what the other side was like? Did every angel secretly crave the taste of poison on their tongues? You made me think up so many questions that I knew I’d never get the answers to.

You had become the drug I was addicted to and I was the bit of freedom you had always wanted.

But being an angel, you were still so frightened. You swore it wasn’t me you feared. But I knew it was. You were afraid of all I was made of. Even freedom can become too much. We all reach our limits. And I realized then, through the dimming twinkle of your eyes, that I could never be anything close to an angel, no matter how hard I might have tried. I could never be anything remotely good. I was taught to destroy everything that threatened my chances of me becoming my strongest self. You ruined the clear path I had made. You made me so weak.

Still, I hoped you didn’t regret me.

Living in the rain should’ve purified me. Why didn’t the ice cold water than ran down my spine cleanse me; why didn’t it rid me of my past?

All that the cold drops of water did was abuse my body and make my heart feel like it had shrivelled up. I felt like a toy that your god was playing with. I must’ve made him mad, must’ve made him sad. He was crying and crying for you. The rain was trying to tell me how horribly I had messed up. I dimmed the light of the sun. Nothing could ever be the same again. I worried I’d never see the daylight again. I’d remain dried up and useless. My power, my strength, my will – all of it had disappeared.

It was because of you. It was because I fell too deep when I was already standing in the deepest pits of hell.

By The Book

A prelude to our love.

Coincidence and apathy turns to desire and “I need you.”

Autumn turns to Winter and the fire feels so right under our fingertips, doesn’t it?

Your smile is still all there. My heart still beats. The snow still falls.

Things are good and we haven’t quite yet gotten to the part where you couldn’t do anything but lie through your teeth.

Spring arrives and I leave for 2 months and you go seemingly unfazed. The flowers are beautiful and every sunset reminds me of you.

Spring turns into summer and you decide to give me another chance, a real one this time.

And before summer even gets its chance to shine, I’ve messed everything up. And I’m sorry.

But “sorry” is a word you don’t want to hear from me anymore. You say it’s started to sound like a confession, like I’m on trial and you’re the judge. I promised you I’d stop.

It’s the beginning of Autumn when he comes into the story. He is fresh, he is regular, he is something new to try. And so you let him in. I am nothing now, just a minor character.

It’s well into Autumn when he allows his fingers to trace the soft pale skin below your dress.

The first time you say, that was exciting.

But I want to slap him across the face. What was he thinking?

The second time, you don’t tell me about until months later. The second time you say, wasn’t so fun. In fact, it’s ruined you. He’s ruined you. I want to slit his fucking throat. And I would have.

But it couldn’t have fixed you.

This is the part where the lies come in. Where you only tell me bits and pieces of things when you decide to tell me at all. Where you start hurting yourself and stop going out at night. Where you won’t let me do a goddamn thing. Where I ruin myself because I let him ruin you.

Autumn turns to winter and suddenly the fire is so scary, isn’t it?

I haven’t seen your smile in months, I feel only empty space where my heart should be. Will there be any snow at all this year?

A Silhouette That Isn’t In Your Head

“I wonder what it’s like to love you.” You say as we’re lying in my bed.

“I wouldn’t know,” I say, “I don’t think anybody ever has.”

And you give me a pitiful smile, the kind you always give when I

say something so negative about myself.

I guess I’m glad I’ve come to think of it as ‘commitment’ rather than ‘pity’.

I’ve let myself drown in you. I let myself become lost in your lifeless eyes

and I’m filled with regrets but I don’t regret a thing. Maybe I Regret Breathing.

You’ll let my ghost linger, just for awhile longer. You’ll let me be real to you.

And as I feel the smoothness of you silk black hair in my hands, I wonder

if I’ve ever really loved you or if I just loved how in love we could have been.

Winter Bird

Can you feel my heart?

Can you feel the suffocating pull

Of a love unanswered; unneeded?

If your love was a star

It would be the one hanging

Right above my bed;

Only slightly over my head.

If prayers go unnoticed

And leaves refuse to fall

I’ll wait for the day

You can become the sun.