My words don’t seem to reflect reality very well. Nothing I can write would be enough.
A journey is nothing without some good company. And good company seems to impossible to find, at least it is if I want them right next to me. But barriers always come in between.
But when we ourselves become the barriers, it seems to lead to the greatest pain.
When something good comes along, it cannot stay. I’ve had to learn this in an all too honest way.
I just wish she’d realize how much I love her, and how I’m not the only one. It almost makes me angry, all the love she gets, but can never acknowledge. Who did this to her?
My first thought after we’d gone separate ways was “I need to look good.” I need to look the best I can. I never tried to look my best around you, not even on dates, because you didn’t like fancy places like I did. You thought I was beautiful no matter what. But after that day, I woke up early every morning, picked out a matching outfit, did my skincare routine, put on some makeup. I took care of myself. It was such a huge step, in my eyes. But I had this feeling deep inside of me that told me I’d collapse soon, that the weight of losing something that held such a large space in my heart and mind, would soon knock me over and it would be incredibly hard to get back up.
It seems for once I was right.
At the thought of you, all I can taste is blood. It feels like a hundred punches to the gut even though you’re not there. My nights go by sleepless, me pulling my hair out and shaking uncontrollably. But I don’t miss you. I miss what things could have been. I miss being able to imagine a future in which I’m at least a bit content and where I’m treated properly. I can’t see anything past tomorrow, though. I can’t see much without you here either. You decide why that is.
It seems no matter how much I want this change, it can’t be brought about.
I often expect things to change in the blink of an eye, while at the same time realizing everything takes time. There won’t be some far out spiritual awakening as I often used to imagine. Baby steps are crucial, I’ve realized. I can get rid of everything that reminds me of the past, but if I do it too soon or at the wrong time, I worry it won’t change a thing. But is waiting still suitable? Or do I need to be the one to spark the fire? I don’t want to burn away the past, but I hope the time comes soon when I’ll be able to learn from it. Instead of dreading every act, regretting every word spoken that I once did – I must recognize my place and try my hardest not to let history repeat itself. The question is how? And when?
Can you feel my heart?
Can you feel the suffocating pull
Of a love unanswered; unneeded?
If your love was a star
It would be the one hanging
Right above my bed;
Only slightly over my head.
If prayers go unnoticed
And leaves refuse to fall
I’ll wait for the day
You can become the sun.
I wake up at 7:30, the sunrise comes up just perfectly, a hint of forgotten light shining right through the crack in the curtains and onto me lying in the bed. I open the window and smell the fresh air, a hint of Spring in it. Winter always seems to last too long.
I take a shower, get dressed, and make a cup of tea. I turn on the barely used TV and watch the last 40 minutes of Lost In Translation. Then at 10 I sit and do my nails and think about what I’ll do today.
Now, watching the early sunset; it makes me wonder why all beautiful things get taken away so soon. But I realize they wouldn’t be so beautiful if they were always there. And with going to sleep in an empty bed with cold sheets, I realize being a woman means being lonely, and having a never-ending burden. But it has endless wonders.
I think I’ll take a trip soon, I’m always happiest when I travel.
This is the post excerpt.
When I made my original WordPress site (malfunctioningg.wordpress.com) I hadn’t yet come up with the idea for the name missyoualways89 and so things are a bit backwards now. It seems it would have made much more sense to have that site as my rant/review blog, but in seeing how I muddled things up, it can’t be so.
I’ll continue to post my stories and fanfics on malfunctioningg (even though under the name missyoualways) and will use this account as a place to write reviews and blog posts and such.
Thanks for reading this, if you actually did. I’ll try to post every Friday.