Can’t Go Back

It can never be the same again.

You think to yourself as you solemnly nod your head along to every painful word she says.

And you can’t look at her lips, at the soft pink that you once kissed late into the night, because you know as soon as you look – they won’t seem the same to you ever again. Not when they’re spitting words like bullets at your waiting and vulnerable heart, not when she’s only making the wound deeper.

She sighs and you know you’ve made her this way, that you’re the cause of this. But you pray she’s not finished, that she has more venom to spit – because as soon as she’s done, you know you might not see her ever again.

You’d rather have the wound bloody and fresh than to agonize in the roughness of the scars it’s left behind. Why can’t she see that you’d do anything for her? That you’d do anything to make her stay?

Except perhaps you know that that’s not true. You’d never try to make her stay, it would make you feel too much like a coward. You’d lose her before you ever lose your pride.

And as you drown yourself in alcohol later that night, you hope and you wish and you pray. Pray that you weren’t this way, that you weren’t so pathetic and unruly – maybe then she’d still want you. Maybe then you’d still want yourself.


Rebuild, Rebirth

Love seeps down

In between cracks of curtains,

Between each step of stairs –

Stairs which you must climb.

And you wonder how something

so gentle as the light of the sun,

Shining down, lighting up the path,

could be telling you to do something

so harsh, so terrifying and strenuous

when all you want is to rest your heavy head.

But steps must be taken, hearts must be

broken, and, your soul – it must be rebuilt.


Ways To Fall Back In Love With Life

The way the gentle sunlight filters in through the cracks of the curtains on early winter mornings is something that never fails to warm my heart. In that instant, it feels as though there really is a reason for this life I live – and that there is a reason to love it, too.

Though, there’s a certain sadness in waking up while it’s still dark, surrounded by a chilling essence that makes the hair on your arms stand. So these odd days off were able to offer a calming sort of solace to me. Even getting the chance to sleep in so late as 8a.m. has managed to make all the difference, rather than the regular 6a.m. coffee runs before heading to work.

So much beauty and I fail to see it in all the things I should. The sun rises an hour later than I’d like and suddenly my whole week is ruined. Maybe I should learn to appreciate the darkness too, and all the things we cannot see.


This week’s song: kataware doki – radwimps



Sighing in Silence

She sighs in silence, while the soft snow falls gently to the ground.

“Nothing is forever,” she whispers, and all you can do is nod along.

Her lips look soft in the pale afternoon light, just like the dreary sorrow you feel inside when the marks on her wrist look redder than you know they should.

It’s when you realize that agony is not just something you can kiss goodbye at the door and hope not to see tomorrow – it is a suffocating, overbearing force that takes even the best of us.

And when her tears fall like rain onto your waiting shoulders, she whispers, “I don’t think I’ll make it to see the spring.”

The Temptation That Is You

In the place where fire meets ice, I feel only you. Your pale skin plays such a lovely contrast, dancing along and casting quiet silhouettes while I close my eyes and imagine I am anybody else, just not myself. Summer rain has never felt so cold against the hairs that stand straight on the back of my neck, whenever your gaze comes my way. So much love in the spaces our intertwined bodies contain.

Is it a sin, you and me?

Should we both back away now or finish playing the game we started?

Have you seen the devil? Have you dreamt about dancing with him while all your sorrows are burned away in his fiery embrace?

Even with the sun shining down upon me, I can’t keep you warm. I have nothing to offer but the solace that is my steady breaths in pace with your shallow ones.

When an angel sins do you think they’re so ashamed that they cut off their own wings? Your clean, white feathers are slowly falling to the ground.

I am undeserving of all that you are but always, you and I attract like two magnets, we’re complete opposites.

The flowers I gave you were burnt and withering, I’m sorry I wouldn’t let you tell me you love me.

You’re crackling apart, you’ve been stepped all over – it was all too soon. I could drown in all that you contain and it would wither me down to less than even a spark. I’m a match to water and you’re a cold, lifeless body smoking her last cigarette. Soon, we’ll both be nothing at all.

No Love, Blinded

You left me with bloody knuckles and a burn in my throat. I knew I couldn’t punch or kick a hole through the walls that trapped you. I couldn’t break you free. But I still wouldn’t stop trying.

It was at the worst point in my life when it rained every day for two weeks straight. I wondered if it was because the earth knew that it had lost something so pure, something that made it more beautiful.

Without your soft eyes and gentle smile here to comfort me, I became inconsolable.  The amount of times I messed up with work and school were too many to count. I felt I was starting to let everyone down – and not just myself anymore.

The world was so void of colour; there was no vividness. Nothing was clear anymore. But I wasn’t sure if it ever had been, anyway.

You were supposed to be there when I graduated. You’d smile at me, give me a soft kiss on the cheek and somehow make the sun come out. But nobody came. You were like my family. My only family. And I always secretly hoped we’d be able to start our own one day. I wanted you and me to be the producers of something so much better than what I grew up with, than what my parents gave me.

But after all, I was the devil and you were an angel. A masochistic sort of love.

You knew everything I touched would be ruined. Any chance you had of living a normal, proper life was destroyed the second you allowed me to lay my eyes on you and your velvety skin.

I ignored it for awhile. Actually, I almost forgot the fact that I was only capable of destruction. The way you looked at me made me feel like I might have one day actually been allowed the chance to go to heaven.

I wondered, did the colour red even exist in the sky?

Bloodshed, anger and lust were meant for hell. Nothing that hovered above you could ever be anything bad.

So why did you let me kiss your soft lips on that day where the air smelled of smoke and your subtle vanilla perfume? Was it because you wanted to see what the other side was like? Did every angel secretly crave the taste of poison on their tongues? You made me think up so many questions that I knew I’d never get the answers to.

You had become the drug I was addicted to and I was the bit of freedom you had always wanted.

But being an angel, you were still so frightened. You swore it wasn’t me you feared. But I knew it was. You were afraid of all I was made of. Even freedom can become too much. We all reach our limits. And I realized then, through the dimming twinkle of your eyes, that I could never be anything close to an angel, no matter how hard I might have tried. I could never be anything remotely good. I was taught to destroy everything that threatened my chances of me becoming my strongest self. You ruined the clear path I had made. You made me so weak.

Still, I hoped you didn’t regret me.

Living in the rain should’ve purified me. Why didn’t the ice cold water than ran down my spine cleanse me; why didn’t it rid me of my past?

All that the cold drops of water did was abuse my body and make my heart feel like it had shrivelled up. I felt like a toy that your god was playing with. I must’ve made him mad, must’ve made him sad. He was crying and crying for you. The rain was trying to tell me how horribly I had messed up. I dimmed the light of the sun. Nothing could ever be the same again. I worried I’d never see the daylight again. I’d remain dried up and useless. My power, my strength, my will – all of it had disappeared.

It was because of you. It was because I fell too deep when I was already standing in the deepest pits of hell.

By The Book

A prelude to our love.

Coincidence and apathy turns to desire and “I need you.”

Autumn turns to Winter and the fire feels so right under our fingertips, doesn’t it?

Your smile is still all there. My heart still beats. The snow still falls.

Things are good and we haven’t quite yet gotten to the part where you couldn’t do anything but lie through your teeth.

Spring arrives and I leave for 2 months and you go seemingly unfazed. The flowers are beautiful and every sunset reminds me of you.

Spring turns into summer and you decide to give me another chance, a real one this time.

And before summer even gets its chance to shine, I’ve messed everything up. And I’m sorry.

But “sorry” is a word you don’t want to hear from me anymore. You say it’s started to sound like a confession, like I’m on trial and you’re the judge. I promised you I’d stop.

It’s the beginning of Autumn when he comes into the story. He is fresh, he is regular, he is something new to try. And so you let him in. I am nothing now, just a minor character.

It’s well into Autumn when he allows his fingers to trace the soft pale skin below your dress.

The first time you say, that was exciting.

But I want to slap him across the face. What was he thinking?

The second time, you don’t tell me about until months later. The second time you say, wasn’t so fun. In fact, it’s ruined you. He’s ruined you. I want to slit his fucking throat. And I would have.

But it couldn’t have fixed you.

This is the part where the lies come in. Where you only tell me bits and pieces of things when you decide to tell me at all. Where you start hurting yourself and stop going out at night. Where you won’t let me do a goddamn thing. Where I ruin myself because I let him ruin you.

Autumn turns to winter and suddenly the fire is so scary, isn’t it?

I haven’t seen your smile in months, I feel only empty space where my heart should be. Will there be any snow at all this year?